Relationships can be dangerous. It is surprisingly easy for the ground to sink under our feet when we are (still) blindfolded on the road of a shared life. And relationships that go too fast will just as quickly go off track.
What if there was a way to avoid such "accidents"? What if you could spot the impending disaster, slow down, and save your relationship? There are seven signs that your relationship is going too fast. Learn them. Find them. When you spot them, adjust your speed, maintain your attitude, and enjoy!
1. Your last relationship is an unfinished chapter
If you haven't quite yet processed feelings, which occurred at the end of the relationship with your ex-partner, you may have entered a new relationship too quickly and too seriously. Lingering Emotions – pleasant or unpleasant – are potential warning signs. While it's normal to still have feelings for your ex, these feelings shouldn't overwhelm you or distract you from your current relationship.
Other unfinished chapters:
- you are getting divorced;
- you still live with your ex;
- you still have many personal items in your ex-partner's house or apartment;
- you can't stop thinking about your ex-partner;
- you often feel sad, depressed or angry.
Give yourself space to heal and process your last relationship. The lessons you learn about yourself and love can make your next relationship the best of your life.
2. They have not yet suffered together
Suffering dispels masks. Everyone is perfect in a perfect world, but add some trouble, some pain, and you can see a person's true character. Suffering also binds people together. Research published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, suggests that anxiety-inducing experiences increase attraction and arousal.
In the initial stage of "rose-colored glasses", most of us avoid unpleasant topics and situations. Let's skip talking about politics, religion, exes, etc. There is nothing wrong with this approach. The real danger lies in making deep declarations of love before you really get to know the other person. Author and relationship expert, April Masini, says: "You need to see if your partner is someone you can rely on in case of a car accident or hurricane, or how they react when your flight is canceled, when you spend too much money, or when you reveal your debt to them. If you rush into a relationship, you lose the opportunities that time offers you.”
According to Masini, suffering looks different in all relationships. It could be camping together, taking a weekend trip, or grieving the death of a friend or family member. It could be betrayal, job loss, or failure. Illness, heavy burdens, and pandemics can also be forms of shared suffering. This also includes resolving financial and health problems and past abuse.
If you start planning for the future but haven't yet experienced shared suffering, you may be running out of time.
Photo: Sincerely Media/Unsplash
3. You don't have set boundaries or they cause you anxiety
They have healthy relationships borders, but if you seem to be missing them in the new one, it could mean that you and your partner are moving too fast.
Is he on the phone with you all day and night? Do you feel the need – the obligation – to constantly check in with each other? One is the desire to connect, and the other is "necessity".
Boundaries in today's world can be shared social media accounts, passwords, texting habits and time spent with each other. Common boundaries must create lasting love.
A simple check on your relationship is to ask yourself: "How do I feel about myself and my partner when we set a new boundary?" If you feel anxious or uncomfortable, it could mean that your relationship is moving too fast.
Every relationship is different, and in healthy new relationships there are some common borders:
- time for yourself;
- private passwords or accounts;
- hobbies and activities we have for ourselves;
- friendships and trips with friends.
However, it is important to remember that every relationship is unique. There are no one-size-fits-all solutions in dating or love.
4. They are less than 90 days in total
There are no deadlines in love. However, there is a good rule of thumb to make important life decisions only after a 90-day “test period”. dr. Rachel O'Neill says: "All relationships have that period when everything your partner says or does seems to be pretty much perfect. Simply put, it takes time to get to know someone.”
According to relationship experts, most people can hide their true selves for the first 90 days. After three months, the masks usually fall off. That doesn't mean you can jump into marriage or move in together right on the 91st day. The 90-day period is just a kind of time frame after which we usually take off the rose-colored glasses.
90 days gives you time to set boundaries, process feelings from past relationships, and suffer together. It gives you time to assimilate into each other's lives.
Photo: Tabitha Turner/Unsplash
5. You are losing yourself
Love is a gentle union of two people and not an oppression of oneself. If you stop being you, reject your long-held values, give up friends and hobbies, and don't dare to make decisions yourself, you lose yourself.
Rose Richardson, marriage and family therapist, says it is independent decision-making is a characteristic of a healthy relationship. Yes, there are decisions that couples should make together - like the pace of the relationship, or when they should sleep together, etc. But if you never make a decision without consulting your partner first, it could be a sign that you need to slow down.
6. You still think your partner is perfect
A clear sign that your relationship is still in the rose-tinted glasses phase is ignoring your partner's mistakes. In reality, they are not perfect, because none of us is without flaws.
If you love everything about your partner, if they act and speak with pristine perfection, you probably haven't taken off your rose-colored glasses yet. Yes, deep and lasting love involves sparks, passion and perfect matches. But this is different than seeing your partner as literally perfect.
If you obviously haven't found any faults with it, it's probably too early to make major life decisions. It may even be too early to meet your partner's family or live together. Give yourself and your partner time and space to become human.
7. You focus on feelings rather than facts
A relationship that moves too fast is focuses more on feelings than facts. Emotion trumps evidence. You ignore red flags that might otherwise cause you to stop. You're reeling from a rush of romantic feelings, so you overlook the obvious signs of a mismatch. But what if they sometimes ignore your messages or suspiciously avoid any discussion of their past? You adore this person and they adore you. It feels right, so it must be right.
However, as Terry Newell says in his article on the portal The Huffington Post: "When we treat feelings as facts, we eliminate the need to test our cognitions." If you find yourself ignoring facts that contradict your feelings, you will most likely end up with a broken heart.
There are no set rules or set pace for healthy, happy relationships. The seven signs described above simply serve as a reminder or warning.
The biggest sign that you really shouldn't ignore is that you feel uncomfortable. If you feel that your relationship is going too fast, listen to yourself. Listen and then think. Don't jump to conclusions. Quick reaction is not the answer. Self-reflection, open communication, and cooperation with your partner are what can help you slow down this crushing!
