Read the emotional record of a woman whose heart was broken, but she knows she has to move on, she knows she has to love herself first!
It's been a month since we last spoke. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember how I cried because I knew that this time our goodbye was real. I knew we wouldn't speak after that day, so I saved your last voicemail, the one that makes my heart sink.
No one would understand what you meant to me, especially because of the ups and downs our relationship had. It was far from perfect, but still, it was our little world. We had inside jokes, words that only we knew the meaning of and a sense of humor that only we understood.
It's been a while, and I'm still struggling to see all those red flags you had. I know you wanted me in your life, but not in the way I wanted. I gave you all of me, and you only gave me a few pieces of yourself. You always had secrets, stories that didn't make sense, excuses and fabrications, but I didn't care. I wanted you! You and your dark hair, your beautiful body. You and your energy, intelligence, your jokes and ultimately your unique way of feeling.
Deep down I knew it wasn't right. I always knew I deserved better, but I didn't want to let you go. I look back and blame myself for being naive, thinking I was going to change you. You always knew what you wanted and it wasn't me.
I won't lie, I still miss you. I miss you every time I see the Instagram profile we both followed. I miss you when I hear the song that was playing when we were kissing in the car. I miss you even when it's lunch time at work and I remember how we used to eat burgers and fries together.
Although I still care about you, I have come to realize that I deserve better. I deserve love, someone who will give me their whole self, not just a small percentage because the rest is emotionally unavailable. I deserve someone who is sure that I am the one he wants to be with. Someone who feels the same way about me as I do about him. Someone who has no excuses. A man who genuinely wants to get to know my family and friends and vice versa. A man who really wants me to be a part of his world.
The day you left, I was thinking about my future. I've been thinking a lot about the next step in my life. I thought about all the things I want and all the things I miss. And so I realized that what I lack is self-love.
Before I can love someone and be loved by someone else, I have to love myself first. I have to be my priority and my soulmate! I have to accept who I am, with all my faults, scars, talents, quirks, and dreams. I need to learn to see my worth, and then I can determine what it is that I want and how I want others to treat me.
I won't lie, I miss you. I miss you every day and every night, but I know this is my time, time to move on, time to love myself. I deserve to move on!
