Have you ever stood on the edge of something that could have been love, but you knew deep down that it wasn't? Have you ever waited for someone who was physically there, but emotionally light years away? Have you ever stood in front of a door that was always ajar, but never fully open for you?
Loving you wasn't painful the way they make it out to be in the movies. There were no big fights, no torn letters, no loud goodbyes.
It was like waiting for a train that always promised to come but never showed up. It was like holding the phone in your hand and convincing yourself that maybe you'd answer today.
But you didn't.
It started gently, barely perceptible. Like that moment when you step into the sea and don't know when you've gone too far. One foot on solid ground, the other already submerged in something deeper, unknown.
First there were words
The crumbs you left me – just enough to make me believe I was on the right path. Then came the moments. Brief seconds that filled me with the illusion that something was being built, that I wasn't alone in this vortex.
But an illusion is not built. An illusion is either there or it is not. And I was the one who drew it in my head.
The silence that screamed louder than words
I didn't realize it right away. You can't always see the void when you're standing too close. First there was the absence of something. Those moments when I wanted you to turn towards me, but you always looked away. Then there was the space between us. Seemingly small, but growing larger every day.
You looked through me.
Your hands became foreign. Your words? Your words were always carefully chosen – never too much, never too little. Enough so that I didn't leave, not enough so that I would remain without doubt.
Love It's not about what someone says. Love is about what you feel when the words disappear. And I felt – nothing.
The funniest thing?
You never promised anything. You never said, “Wait, someday we’ll be together.” You never said, “Be here because I need you.” That’s what I told myself.
I was convinced that one day you would realize that everything you needed was right in front of you all along. I believed that one day your footsteps would turn towards me, that you would say something that would confirm that I was not just another one in line.
But I was
One day I simply realized – you are not with me. You were never there. I stood still and revolved around you, I thought you were revolving with me. But you were just the sun that shone the same on everyone. Nothing special, nothing different.
Love, true love, has gravity. It pulls you in. It fills you up. It doesn't leave you on the edge, freezing in the hope that one day someone will remember you're there.
And then – nothing
There was no epiphany. There were no tears. There was no movie playing in my head to finally cut it. There was only one thought: enough.
Not because I started hating you. Not because I wanted revenge. Not because I stopped caring. But because for the first time in a long time, I asked myself a question: Are you what I want? Or just something I've learned to want?
And the answer? It wasn't you!
I won't say I miss you. Because I don't. I miss the feeling of belonging. I miss the illusion I built around you.
But I know someone will come along who won't open the door halfway. Someone who won't put boundaries between us. Someone who won't leave me wondering if I'm enough.
Loving you was the loneliest thing I've ever done.
