Jed Diamond, founder and CEO of MenAlive and author of 17 books such as My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound, Healing the Family Father Wound: Your Playbook for Personal and Relationship Success, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships, Why the Best is Still to Come... shared an excellent write-up that should be read by anyone who thinks you know men and that men ONLY want sex! Here is his summary.
How many times have we heard the statement:"All men just want sex!" By the time I was 17, I was convinced that this was true. When I was 37 years old, I suspected that this was not true. And now that I'm 73, I know that's not true. Don't get me wrong, sex can be wonderful at any age, but there is something more important than sex, but men have a hard time admitting it and women have a hard time giving it to them.
In conversations with friends I have been seeing regularly for 28 years, I got confirmation of this. Sex is a topic we discuss throughout the years. In a way, we are competitive and want to appear successful. But we are also open and honest with each other. We don't just talk about our sexual successes, but also about our failures, fears and confusions.
I learned from a young age that wanting sex is synonymous with being a man, and when I eavesdropped on a girl I liked in high school, I got confirmation of that. She was talking about a boy. She wasn't complaining that he was obsessed with sex, but, yes "he didn't get to her like other guys." She confided in her friend: "He was not a man." The message was clear: "real men" want sex... and if you don't approach a woman that way, you're not a real man. This statement has been confirmed over the years. Sex = sign of masculinity. It was better to be rejected, over and over, than to be different.
So what do men want more than sex? We've all heard that women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved. But there is also a deeper need to be satisfied. That's what I say safe haven.
We all want a safe haven where we don't have to pretend to be something we're not. We long for someone who will see us as we are and still want us, exactly as we are! Someone who touches us, not just our bodies, but our hearts and souls. Someone who gives us a sense of peace when we merge with her body, on a psychological or physical level, and this feeling goes beyond a single sexual satisfaction.
A safe haven to retreat to and relax, where someone who cares is waiting for us. In other words, we want a sense of nurturing that most of us didn't get enough of when we were children. But if we admit these needs, we feel like little boys and not like strong men.
One of the things I love is lying in my wife's arms, Carlin, stroking my hair. It's a wonderful, safe haven. I don't need to have sex to satisfy this need. I just have to tell her. That's when I feel like I'm completely accepted. I don't have to pretend or prove myself, I just show my vulnerability.
Why is it often difficult for women to give a man safe harbor? There are three subconscious reasons. First, if men don't want sex, they worry that they might they are not attractive enough for him. Second, a man who wants to be caressed and nurtured makes them feel that they are dealing with a boy and not a man, although women want such a man. Third, women they fear men who don't feel good in their own skin, because usually the most violent men are those who are weak and helpless.
It takes a lot of time and maturity for men to admit to themselves that they need a safe haven where they can be nurtured and embraced by a woman. It takes a lot of courage to tell a woman that they want sex, but that it's also important to them to feel safe, loved and cared for. This requires accepting the fact that allowing ourselves to be vulnerable like a child is the most human thing in the world.
