Why do I always end up alone? Why does something inside me fail every time I try to have a deep relationship?
I sit in silence and think. Why does every attempt at a relationship end before it really takes off? I know that the problem is not with others. It is not with those who left, nor with those who wanted to stay. The problem is somewhere inside me. I don't know how to be in a relationship. That's a thought that follows me like a shadow.
Every time someone gets close, I feel anxious.
My mind wonders if I'll be good enough, if I'll disappoint, or if I'll get hurt again. These thoughts overwhelm me and I put up walls before anyone has a chance to get close. Ironically, I long for closeness, but at the same time I fear it. This internal conflict is like a knot that I can't untie.
I used to be sure that I would just find love. I thought it would just happen on its own – like in those stories where you meet the right person and everything falls into place. But over the years, I've come to realize that love demands more. It requires vulnerability, trust, and openness. And those are the things that are most difficult for me.
Deep within me I carry traces of past experiences
These wounds constantly remind me that it is not always safe to open my heart. One of my first loves ended in silence – without explanation, without closure. I thought long and hard about what I had done wrong, and blamed herself for his departure. That feeling still haunts me today. I'm afraid I'll be disappointed again, or worse, I'll be the one who disappoints.
Sometimes the hardest thing to admit is that maybe I don't even know what it means to be in a real relationship. I know how to show affection, how to make someone happy for a moment, but how do I create a lasting bond? That's where I feel like I don't know. Maybe I've always been more focused on what others need and never really considered what I need myself.
Every time I get involved in something new, it feels like I'm reenacting the same story.
First excitement and anticipation, then fear and doubt that send me running away. Running away from closeness, from the possibility of someone truly getting to know me. Sometimes I'm ashamed to admit that I want love, but I don't know how to keep it.
I know that it's okay to not know everything right away. No one is born with a manual for relationships. What counts is the willingness to learn. I started asking myself questions: Why am I afraid? What do I really want? I'm slowly realizing that the key to a relationship isn't perfection, but honesty.
When I asked myself why I couldn't be in a relationship, I realized that the answer lies within me. If I don't learn to love and accept myself, I will always doubt the love of others. Love is not perfection – love is a process. And that process begins for me right here, right now.
I know I have a lot of work to do. I need to learn how to build relationships. step step by step, being patient with others and with myself. But now I understand that this is not a sign of failure. It is a sign of growth. Every moment, When I allow myself to be vulnerable, it's a victory.. And maybe one day I'll realize that I can be in a relationship after all. Until then, I'll continue this journey - slowly but surely.
