"Children don't bother us with more important tasks, children are our most important task." - CS Lewis
Even the best parents make mistakes, say something thoughtless and have a right to have a bad day, the question is what they do with it afterwards.
If you compare your children to your siblings or yourself, based on when you were their age, you are sending them the message that they are not good enough. By over caring and offering to help, you are sending them the message that they are not capable enough.
"When dealing with children, it is important to send them messages that they are good enough as they are, that you believe that they are worthy of love, that you love them no matter what and that you will always be there for them", emphasizes prof. dr. sc. Gordana Buljan Flander.
If you mention perfection to them, you offer the child an expectation of perfection. If you talk about the child as a person, instead of his behavior - example: "You're a liar!", instead of telling him "You lied!" – you cause shame in him and thereby mark him with a negative label, with which he identifies, emphasizes the psychologist.
He explains that even by excessively offering help, doing things for the child and by forcing him to do something, etc., you send the child a message that he is not capable and competent enough. By putting yourself first - example: statement "I sacrifice myself for you." - you make the child feel guilty, that he owes you something, that he is to blame, that you cannot achieve your goals.
Expressions you should say to children:
- You are good enough the way you are.
- I believe in you.
- You are worthy of love.
- I love you no matter what.
- I will always be here for you.
Terms to avoid:
- Why aren't you like your brother/sister?
- Practice to perfection!
- You are a liar!
- Let me help you.
- I did that easily when I was your age!
- Hurry up!
- I sacrifice myself for you!
It's not a problem if one of these sentences "escapes" you, emphasizes the psychotherapist. What matters is your pattern of relationships with your children, the usual behavior and the relationship you build with them from the earliest period, even before they understand words.
“This is an opportunity to build a healthy relationship with your child, to show him that no one is perfect, but that mistakes can be corrected, that love and your good relationship still exist." concludes prof. Buljan Flander.
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If I could raise my child again, I would paint with my fingers more and chew less.
I would correct less and connect more. I would look at the clock less and observe more.
I would care less about knowledge and know how to care more.
We would go on a trip many times and fly kites many times.
I would stop playing serious and play serious instead. I would run across the meadows many times and gaze at the stars many times.
I would hug more and scold less. I would build self-esteem first and only then the house. She would be less relentless and more encouraging.
I would talk less about the love of power and more about the power of love.
Diane Loomans
