A must read for all couples!
Kirstie Taylor, a relationship and dating coach who helps young women and men date with more awareness and understanding of themselves and the world, shared a great write-up on the Thought Catalog online network that anyone in a relationship should read they give up (too) quickly.
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I was once in a relationship with a man we'll call Brad. Brad came up to me one day excitedly. "Let's solve these 36 questions published by the New York Times," he said. "It should create a deep intimacy between two people."
Emotional being that I am, I was immediately in favor.
The researchers who designed these questions claimed that based on these questions, two people should fall in love. They start light and simple, but slowly deepen.
So Brad and I tried it. And even though the questions helped us understand each other better on a deeper level, and even though we shared a few tears, we didn't fall in love.
I was horrified; when we broke up, I thought about these questions. It felt like Brad had peered into my soul, looked around and decided this wasn't for him. I thought: “Hey, I'm not sharing this with just anyone!”
But that was two years ago. And even though we didn't fall in love, I had plenty of men to make up for it. Seven, to be exact. Seven men who then claimed to love me to the end of the world.
So why am I only with one man? Why does this man I call my own dominate others?
Well, obviously every failed relationship had its own unique flaws.
Perhaps a better question is why do I believe in the love that is being offered to me this time?
"To love" is a unique ability around which only humans can create awareness. It is an art where we can improve our skills. As author Gary Chapman said: "Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is a challenge.”
But to stay in love, you have to make a decision: when the relationship is at the bottom, when we doubt, will we still choose love? Are we willing to do this even if one day the other person no longer chooses us?
Uncertainty in love is scary.
How do we know someone will be a good partner? Dad? Bingo partner when we retire?
How can we know that we will not be betrayed? That our hearts will not be changed? That our love will not be exploited?
The answer is damn simple: we can't!
We don't know how our lives will turn out, and that's so true, especially when it comes to love.
But just because we can't be sure doesn't mean we can't try.
"To love" is a choice, it is a decision! We find a person who makes our heart sing and whose company we truly enjoy. We understand each other, we can see ourselves growing old together. That's why we choose them, we choose to spend our lives with them. But it won't be the last time we have to choose for them!
There will be doubts. People will hurt or disappoint us. And then our choice is part of our ability and willingness to push through the inevitable downfalls, because being with them trumps all else!
I hear the words of my current partner: "I love you and I want to be with you forever!" But how do I know his words are true? I can not. But I can trust that he chose me, that he chose me, and that is the biggest part of this equation called love.
He chose me. I chose him. It equals, I hope, lasting love!
We have open and honest communication, we take care of each other. We both have the ability to talk about our feelings, our fears and the respect we have for each other. We recognize that there will be hard times, but we are confident that we have everything we need to get through them.
Our love seems destined to beat the ravages of time, to last longer than passion and lust ever could.
But that's only because we both chose it, decided on it!
I recently came across a TED Talks where a woman solved a quiz with a man, which led to them falling in love. This woman, Mandy Len Catron, is the one who wrote the original 36 Questions article that Brad and I asked each other years ago.
Readers wanted to understand the magic of Catron's relationship, everyone wanted to know if they were still together. But Catron was very careful with the answers, because the success of their relationship was not based on 36 questions created with the intention of falling in love. The success of their relationship was based on one key issue: choice! They both DECIDED to love each other.
Just like Brad and I decided not to. And just as my current partner and I decided to get married.
We will never find the perfect person who will not disappoint us. Every relationship has its downs. And when those falls come, we'll have to make a decision. And at the end of the day, that's the secret to lasting love!
