Our relationships and the problems in them are remarkably similar in many ways. Here are the best relationship books we highly recommend.
Most relationship questions more or less touch on the same themes: one person loves the other, but is not loved back; one person mistreats another and no one knows what to do about it; one person wants out of the relationship but doesn't know how to say it. Most questions are boring to anyone who hasn't lived them. They include arguments about the dog, money and children. They include an irritable mother-in-law or a husband who doesn't mow the lawn often enough. They almost never involve orgies or broken furniture…almost never. The fascinating thing about relationships is that people think their problems are completely unique, but in the end, all situations are pretty much the same. In some cases, even comically identical.
In an effort to help people help themselves, here are the best relationship books.
And know: while you may indeed be special, unique, and extraordinary… your problem is not. Best of luck!
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Getting the Love You Want
Harville Hendrix
What will you learn?
Why does it seem like all your relationships are completely stoned? Why do you date people who act like your mother/father? Why is it that most of your arguments are about nonsense that you just can't let go?
Why is the book recommended?
We are all vaguely aware of the Freudian idea that we end up dating our mothers/fathers and are doomed to repeat our childhood traumas in adult relationships. But at the same time, this idea has always seemed like some kind of superstitious nonsense. But then we grow up and get into a serious relationship, and we start to notice that our partner leaves things around the house, just like our father used to do. And that drives us crazy, because it reminds us of the chaos and unpredictability of our childhood.
This is where Harville Hendrix comes in. Hendrix gives a logical and reasonable-sounding explanation of why our relationships "rub" us in the most sensitive places.
Basically, our interactions with our parents draw our "emotional map" - what love means, what acceptance feels like, what a good person is, etc. We then use these "maps" to filter the people we are attracted to as adults. We experience intense chemistry with some people because, without knowing it, they reflect our definitions of love, acceptance, compassion, etc.
While knowing your parents' definitions of love doesn't fix anything, it does give you some kind of blueprint to help you navigate your love life. In fact, Hendrix calls it an “emotional map”. We all have it. And we're all bad at reading. So Hendrix is here to help us.
What type of breakup can it prevent?
Repeating our parents' divorce/mistakes.
Zadnja posodobitev 2024-12-19 / Partnerske povezave / Vir fotografij: Amazon Product Advertising API
Hold Me Tight
Sue Johnson
What will you learn?
How not to aggravate problems in relationships, when to shut up and listen to your partner, how not to be so selfish.
Why is the book recommended?
Sue Johnson is the originator of Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT), which could win an Olympic gold medal for "the therapeutic method that fixes the most relationships". EFT clearly ranks highest among all forms of couples therapy and marriage counseling.
So what was Sue Johnson's big break? One of those things that seems so obvious in retrospect, but somehow managed to elude psychologists for about 100 years.
Johnson realized that romantic relationships are mostly driven by unconscious emotions and desires. Arguments, memories and identities, that is. what most people focus on were secondary to the underlying emotional pain in each person. Johnson then brilliantly came up with the idea of finding emotional solutions to emotional problems and ... voilà! People stopped hating each other so much.
Hold Me Tight is a great summary of a) the emotional patterns that occur when we're hurt and struggling in relationships, and b) the conversations we can have to heal those patterns. This is our recommendation for any relationship hanging in the balance.
What type of breakup can it prevent?
The kind where you talk about your exes for the next six years because you have tons of emotional baggage that you never let go of.
Zadnja posodobitev 2024-12-20 / Partnerske povezave / Vir fotografij: Amazon Product Advertising API
7 Principles That Make Marriage Work
John Gottman
What will you learn?
That arguing is normal, that not all issues/problems need to be resolved, that "silent mass" is often as bad (or worse) than shouting. Basically, this book is a great manual on what really makes a relationship.
Why is the book recommended?
Gottman is like the Marco Polo of relationship research. He ventured into uncharted territories and brought a quantifiable metric system and scientific consistency to an exotic academic subject—relationships. Before Gottman, we only had grandmother's wisdom and Freudian wisdom. But Gottman found his way to some of the first solid academic answers to what makes a relationship work and what causes it to break up.
Gottman is best known for studying conflict in relationships and developing a system that could predict whether a couple would last another five years with about 90 percent accuracy. Along the way, he discovered all sorts of conflicting findings about what works in a long-term relationship.
While Hold Me Tight is about fixing things that are broken, 7 Principles That Make Marriage Work explains how to avoid breaking things in the first place.
What type of breakup can it prevent?
A truly dramatic episode in which we encounter broken plates and dented cans. If it ends, at least you'll know it was for the best.
Zadnja posodobitev 2024-12-20 / Partnerske povezave / Vir fotografij: Amazon Product Advertising API
5 Love Languages
Gary Chapman
What will you learn?
A simple tool for understanding how people express and receive love (not all people express or receive love in the same way!).
Why is the book recommended?
5 Love Languages is the Harry Potter of relationship books: everyone's read it (or lies and says they've read it), and Gary Chapman lives in a $100 million secluded castle and wipes out the last one with royalty checks. This book has sold more copies than anyone can count and it's easy to see why: short book, simple premise, powerful idea. And this idea sticks because it's incredibly useful.
The idea is that people express and receive love in different "love languages". Physical touch, verbal affirmation, gift giving, acts of kindness and spending quality time. Many problems arise in relationships, as one person gives love in one language (lots of gifts, verbal praise) and the other seeks love in another language (quality time, physical touch). As a result, the person giving love feels unappreciated and the person seeking love feels unloved.
We have summarized about half of the book in this paragraph. But it's still worth reading. You will pay about 13 euros for it on Amazon, and it is possible that you will read it from beginning to end in one afternoon. But the ideas will stay with you for life.
What type of breakup can it prevent?
The relationship might not work out, but at least you'll never complain that your ex didn't do anything for you… okay, let's be honest, you'll probably still be complaining.
Zadnja posodobitev 2024-12-19 / Partnerske povezave / Vir fotografij: Amazon Product Advertising API
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
Mark Manson
What will you learn?
Perhaps the title of the book reads as "hey, have as many girlfriends as possible", but most of the first third of the book is about developing emotional maturity, getting serious and pulling yourself together, and becoming a better person.
Why is the book recommended?
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty has been the most successful dating book for men for several years.
The reason the book has caught on so well is that it addresses the emotional experience of dating—how we tend to idealize people, how often we are motivated by insecurity, how our desperation sabotages our relationships before they even begin—and then leads the reader to solutions to leveling your emotional game. The book is completely free of "tactics", mainly because when you are honest about who you are and what you want, there is no need for tactics. When you live honestly and have integrity, dating becomes just a matter of a) developing yourself into someone you're proud to show the world, and b) developing the courage to show yourself. That's it!
What type of breakup can it prevent?
Ideally, the book will help you choose the right person so that a breakup is not necessary.
Zadnja posodobitev 2024-12-19 / Partnerske povezave / Vir fotografij: Amazon Product Advertising API
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