What is this secret? Read on for a great write-up that we can agree with from start to finish!
Today is my ninth wedding anniversary. It's not something that happens every day. I know people who have been married longer, and I know that nine is not a nice, round number like 10. But today I woke up and thought: "I've been married for nine years, wow!" And so I let the thought sink in and began to think about the whole trip. About good times and bad times. About ups and downs.
Marriage is not something that happens the day you breathe your last breath "Yes!". Marriage happens in the many other days that follow, when you wake up in the morning and decide to love your partner despite all his/her flaws. Law requires effort. Marriage requires love. LOVE.
People define love in so many different ways. I had a high school teacher who gave us important insight into life. One of the things I remember him for was: "Love is not a feeling, it is an act of will." The words fell on deaf ears of the 14-year-old. For us kids, love was a Disney movie. There was a princess and a prince who lived happily ever after. Love was butterflies in the stomach, roses and hearts. We tried to argue with him and tell him that love is a feeling. Love is a strong feeling of adoration for another person. Admittedly, we didn't experience it, but we were sure. Love is a feeling of joy that burns in the heart for another person, and when you feel it, you would know. This teacher was just a haggard old man who couldn't possibly know what he was talking about, could he? "An act of will." What does that even mean?
20 years later I met.
When you meet someone, you can be very attracted to them. As you get to know yourself better, you fall deeper into the abyss of feelings and emotions. You commit. You crave the company of that special someone. Everything is a big deal. It's important. We feel, we connect, we desire. Ants pass through our heart and tell us: “This is the right person!” We say: "I love you," and we mean it too. We really mean it. We take a big step and decide to spend the rest of our lives with this person.
It's a choice.
Regardless of the circumstances or motivation for marriage itself, we have chosen to accept the other person for better or for worse and to be with them until we die.
At least the idea is… We all know things don't always work that way.
The thing is, those marriages that last "till death do us part" don't last because their initial "feelings" of love were stronger. Such marriages last because they do both partners actively choose to love the other person in the relationship. True love is not a feeling. It's a choice. It's a decision you make every day, a decision to stay with the person you married.
It's not always an easy choice. The more time you spend with someone, the more you learn about all the little things the other person does that often makes you think you're going crazy. There are small things and big things, and they all affect the marriage. And we humans grow and change. We are all on an individual journey through life and we never stop learning, growing and changing.
People who are married sometimes get divorced. We disturb each other. We get irritated. We are disappointed. We make mistakes. Sometimes we are rude and cruel. And when you see the rudeness, weaknesses, and flaws of another person and still choose to love them, that's the right thing to do.
Love is not a feeling. Love is an act of the will. Love is a choice.
When two people stand together at the altar and exchange vows, they don't really know each other yet. They know one version of the person. It doesn't matter if you've been in a relationship for years or if you've lived together before.
Once you vow and decide to love and respect each other for the rest of your life, you change. You become one. I don't mean you will lose your individuality or sense of self, but you are no longer facing life alone - you have a partner. Someone you have to consider – besides yourself.
As the days, months, and years go by, you see that person in a way you've never seen them before. You get to know her on a deep level because you really share a life together. You see shame, failure, regret. You see laziness and stubbornness. You see impatience, fear and disinterest. You see the selfishness.
You see all these things and accept them with an open heart. You give patience, understanding and receive. This goes both ways and in different phases.
When one partner moves away, the other gives them space. When one partner is insecure, the other supports him. When one makes a mistake, the other forgives. When one partner is sad, the other offers sympathy.
It is not an easy journey and it is not easy to make the decision to continue loving someone who has hurt, disappointed or angered us. Because that's what will happen, because that's life.
Work, loans, raising children, planning for the future - with all this comes stress, trials and tribulations. You see your partner's faults and realize that they are a mirror of your strengths and imperfections.
All you can do is continue to treat each other with love and acceptance. Give that person as much love and compassion as you can, because there will come a time when you, too, will need the kindness and acceptance of a partner.
Because we are all imperfect humans. We try to do our best, but often fail.
But luckily, there is that person who suffers our nonsense every day. Because she loves us. This person decided not to give up on us. Because with the bad comes the good, and it's a dance that no one can ever fully master. Nevertheless, we continue to dance.
Life is hard and combining two lives into one is even harder. But we have a choice every day. To love this person or not. When we decide to love, no matter what… then love becomes real! This is what makes marriages last. This is how the partnership grows and flourishes.
And with that choice comes all the other things – good things! Tender morning hugs, sweet kisses when we come home in the evening, romantic moments under the moonlight. Friendship. Joy. Laughter.
Because hard decisions often bring the best rewards…
Choose love.
