There's nothing wrong with a relationship getting a little complicated every now and then. Arguments are a part of everyday life and can often lead to deeper understanding – if done right. But what if I told you that there is one little word that, by itself, makes your argument even more heated, maybe even intractable? Yes, I'm talking about that infamous "but". This "necessary" word can destroy all your hard-chosen words in an instant.
You can imagine the scenario: “Honey, you know I love you… but!” The moment he enters the conversation "but", it's like someone hit the kill button. Everything nice that you said in front of him becomes irrelevant, and your partner gets ready to defend himself in an instant. Are you still wondering why understanding is so difficult?
But, what's wrong with "but"?
At first glance, the innocent word basically means "everything I said before is not so important because now the real bomb is coming". The partner who just heard your praise is now faced with a wall of criticism, knowing that something is coming that will overshadow everything positive. The moment he perceives a "but", he automatically focuses only on the negative and everything only goes downhill from there.
So why does this word trigger such an emotional rollercoaster? Simple - in a conflict, we all want to be heard and accepted. When you throw but into a conversation, it gives you the feeling that you are expressing your feelings, but at the same time reducing the importance of your partner's feelings. It's like, "You're great, but you could be better." Instead of enhancing your dialogue, it kills the desire to continue talking. "But" does the same thing with compliments - it completely devalues them!
What can you do?
Well, you can try a slightly less destructive alternative instead. Words like "and" or "while", are your new friends. Instead of: “I know you're trying, but…” try: "I know you're trying, and at the same time, I'd like us to find an even better solution together." Simple, isn't it? A small change like that completely changes the dynamic of your conversation. Instead of defending, your partner feels support and your conflict becomes an opportunity for growth, not a life-and-death struggle.
You might need some practice. After all, "but" is often deeply rooted in our conversations. But once you learn to avoid this saboteur, you'll be surprised at how quickly your dialogue improves. In fact, you may even notice that your fights are less frequent and much less dramatic. You may even be pleased to see that your partner understands better what you really want to say.
The next time you feel "but" creeping up on your tongue, hold it back! If you want to improve your relationship and avoid unnecessary tension, start looking for better ways of expressing yourself. And what do you know - maybe this is the simple solution you've been looking for all these years. And maybe you will realize that life without "buts" is much more fun, full of compassion and mutual understanding.
