Are you planning intercourse as a medical check-up? Do you remember your sex life before marriage? Do you make love once or twice a month? If you answered yes to these questions, you are among the 20 % couples who are in a relationship with little or no intimacy.
Sexual relations are an important part of any partnership. In them, partners bond emotionally and enjoy physical pleasure. Their sense of closeness and intimacy is strengthened, says the psychologist Zoran Crnjin.
When partners are satisfied with their sex lives, they can more easily deal with challenges in the relationship, as well as with life in general. Ultimately, intimacy is what defines a relationship between partners.
If intercourse becomes infrequent and unsatisfying for one or both partners, this can have a major impact on the quality of the relationship. And if you don't do anything about it, that alone usually leads to infidelity or divorce.
How often is it normal to have sex?
Research shows that partners have sex on average once to three times a week, says Zoran Crnjin. If you have them less than once in two weeks or less than 25 times a year, we are talking about a relationship with little sex. If you have sex less than once a month or less than 10 times a year, you are in a sexless relationship. One in five married couples fall into this category, and about 15% fall into the category of low-sex couples. One in three couples who have been together for more than two years have a sexless relationship.
Photo: Andrik Langfield / UnsplashWhat caused partners who once had satisfying sex lives to become like this?
Decreased sex drive and relationships with little or no sex usually do not have a single cause, nor is only one partner responsible. Sexuality is complicated, and it is most helpful to view the lack of intercourse as a partner problem.
There are many causes that lead to a decline in sex drive and they vary from couple to couple.
Some of the most common are: depression, anxiety, stress, chronic fatigue, alcohol and drugs, medications, health problems, sexual problems such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, painful intercourse, etc.
The causes can also be of a relational nature, such as poor communication, unresolved conflicts and frequent arguments, lack of trust, as well as sexual arousal, hidden fetishes and the like. Regardless of what caused the problem, however, the fact that the couple found themselves in a dance focused on the problem.
What does this tango dance by this couple look like that keeps the problem alive?
Sexuality binds partners and rejection is very damaging to their relationship. Often, the partner with a stronger sexual desire begins to blame the other partner and demands more frequent intercourse. It makes him feel guilty, which further reduces his desire for sex.
Constant criticism and experiencing your partner as an enemy does not encourage trust and desire. If intercourse occurs but is not mutually pleasurable, one partner sees it as coercive and the other as fulfilling demands.
How does the other partner contribute to this vicious cycle?
A partner with less sexual desire often thinks that it is not really his problem because he has no need for sex. Others think that they deserve sexual relations with "better behavior", because they are not aware of how the other partner feels and why he behaves the way he does.
Are there still tender touches between you? Photo: Pars Sahin / UnsplashHow to stop this uncoordinated dance?
Reduced sexual desire is best solved by partners thinking and acting as a team. Therefore, the first step in solving this problem is to confirm the existence - of the problem. It is crucial to accept the view that the quality of emotional and sexual connection is much more important than the frequency of intercourse itself.
If you want to get out of this "vicious circle," sex must be pleasurable for both partners.
A partner with a greater sexual desire should have a more undemanding approach and not perceive sexuality only through the realization of a sexual act. A partner with reduced sexual desire should consider the effects of avoiding sex on the relationship. In addition to the increased risk of infidelity, partners also grow emotionally distant over time, another lust killer.
If you find yourself in writing, tell your partner openly and honestly what is bothering you. If you fail to solve the problem in this way, the next step is to consult a psychotherapist, says psychologist Zoran Crnjin.
