These 4 things in a marriage or relationship should always be avoided - they destroy love and destroy the relationship with your partner!
Research has identified counterproductive behaviors that negatively impact relationships and are clear predictors of divorce/breakup. Every partnership has some of these behaviors from time to time, but their persistence in the relationship creates lasting consequences, shapes the way both partners respond, and destroys attachment and connection. It is not the conflict itself that predicts the success or failure of a relationship, but the manner in which the conflict is communicated.
Criticism
Criticizing a partner is different from criticizing behavior. Criticism is usually perceived as an attack on the person, on the basic values of the person, which does not separate the positive qualities of the partner from the act itself, which can be bad.
The difference between appeal to certain behavior and criticism is obvious and manifests itself in the following:
Complaint: “I felt really worried when you didn't answer the call. I thought the deal was to call when we were late.”
Criticism: "You never think about how your behavior affects others, it never matters how I feel, you only think about yourself!"
In the first example, the sentence begins with "I", followed by a brief description of feelings and a call for mutual agreement. In the second case, the sentence begins with "You", which implicitly criticizes, and the other side prepares to defend, and the process of active listening is hindered. The prevalence of criticism can lead to withdrawal of the partner, fear and anxiety before expressing one's thoughts and feelings.
The partner may feel rejected, hurt, closed in on himself. The antidote to criticism is to start more gently, use “I” statements, and avoid blaming your partner. When the conversation begins by emphasizing how the person feels, the way is opened for expressing one's own needs and striving to meet them. There is no blame, no accusation, no entering into a debate.
Contempt
When it comes to contempt, the communication takes place in a malicious way, the behavior towards the partner is disrespectful, sarcastic, funny, non-verbal communication such as rolling the eyes, sighing and the like is often included.
Expressing contempt in your partner makes you feel worthless. In relation to criticism, contempt is an attack on a person from a position of superiority, with a complete devaluation of the partner. Contempt feeds on negative thoughts about the partner. It is the biggest predictor of divorce.
It is the antidote to contempt building a culture of respect and respect for partners. Contempt is manifested from a position of moral superiority, it is destructive to the relationship. When we say building a culture of respect and esteem for partners, we mean daily communication and the entire relationship between partners. Thus, daily gratitude, respect, praise, dedication form a positive perspective of the partnership.
Defense
Defensiveness usually occurs in response to criticism. An attack or criticism provokes a need for defense, from which the attacked person leaves the position of own responsibility, becomes defensive or takes the position of victim (a more passive but morally superior position that puts him out of balance with his partner and causes distance). Getting defensive is not a successful strategy, it leads to the partner realizing that we don't care about his demands, that there is no taking responsibility. The antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility.
Defensiveness is defined as a form of self-protection through righteous resentment or victim positioning in order to repel a perceived attack. Many people get defensive when criticized, but the problem is that getting defensive never solves the problem. In fact, this is a way of blaming the partner, the problem is not me, but you.
In this way, we avoid the real path to the solution, which says: "The problem is the problem, not the person is the problem", the joint effort for a team solution is denied. Accepting responsibility, at least for part of the conflict, contributes to a team approach to the problem. Escalation risk is reduced, compromise becomes much more affordable.
Retreat
Withdrawal, raising the wall in communication, takes place with a silent exit from the relationship, when one of the partners simply ignores the other, remains silent, does not answer questions, engages in some other activity (looks at the phone or television, leaves the shared space). Withdrawal occurs after a series of intense, previously mentioned barriers that destroy the partnership.
Confrontation becomes too much and the relationship is slowly abandoned. Withdrawal becomes a kind of defense mechanism used as a protection against discussions, and once it is adopted, it is very difficult to get out of this zone and it makes it impossible to engage rationally in the discussion.
Appeasement - ending an argument
The antidote to building a wall is psychological self-soothing. Studies show that couples who stopped fighting after 15 minutes and engaged in some other activity for the next half hour were physically calmer and more ready to talk, and their interaction was more productive and positive.
During those half an hour, they managed to calm down, and when they judged that they were calm enough, they could return to the conversation rationally, with respect for each other.
People who can't stop themselves from interrupting a discussion often go into a fight-or-flight reaction, withdrawing into themselves, or exploding at their partner. The break should last at least 20 minutes, as long as the body needs to calm down. It is very important that during the break you do not consume thoughts such as: "I don't have to put up with this anymore because it always attacks me" and the like. The activity has two tasks: distracting and calming (reading, exercise, walking).
