Let's take a look at the thoughts of a man who has shed certain burdens through divorce, although he still loves his ex-wife in a way, through the eyes of their friend.
Miha was an optimistic man, but the day I met him he was glowing with energy. It looked like he either won the lottery or fell in love.
"I feel that life has suddenly become full of potential and opportunity," he said when I asked him about his source of happiness. That doesn't seem like such a strange statement when you consider that he recently got divorced.
The most surprising part of our conversation was when I asked him what had changed and he said: "Nothing really. I only had a few movements in my head."
I was their friend from the beginning of the relationship. I watched their love and how the passionate love slowly disintegrated. Over time, they got divorced. To each their own, they have grown a lot personally after the breakup. Miha quit his job and continued with his passions, while Ana advanced in her job.
At the beginning of their relationship, Miha was a bit more focused on his career. Over time, they realized that they no longer wanted the same thing and this led to months of angst for both of them. He and Ana tried very, very hard to save their relationship. But they were simply tired of each other and after the divorce they started to live again. They realized that they were holding each other back in order to become the best version of themselves, and that it was best to let go of the burdens and go their separate ways.
"I wouldn't change a single thing about it. I'm grateful for everything, it was wonderful, but I know I can't go there, we can't go back. We're just not the same anymore," Miha said.
In a way, they were both sorry that they didn't make it. After months of difficult conversations, long hours with a therapist and many tears - they came to some realizations that helped them to hope for new love and a wonderful life for themselves again.
1. You never need “X” again
After the first date after the divorce, Miha sent me the following message: "I will never have to have mediocre sex again!" Miha has always been a very sexual person, Ana has not. In the beginning, their sex was good, but not as passionate and frequent as I would have liked. And he accepted that fact because there were enough positives in the relationship to make it worth the investment.
But as the relationship deteriorated, so did the sexuality, and eventually they no longer had intercourse. This post-divorce date reminded him that while he lost a lot of things he valued, he also lost things he didn't like about the relationship.
Maybe relationships are not the problem in your relationship. Maybe it's an annoying habit, quarrels about money or mother-in-law. Every relationship has weaknesses. Remember what your “X” is and be thankful that you will never have to do it again.
You will never need to “x” again.2. You can stop investing time and energy into something that isn't working
Miha and Ana believed for a long time that their relationship was failing because they weren't trying hard enough. So they redoubled their efforts and tried even harder. They read books, doubled up on seeing a therapist, and each made a list of things to work on.
But, that wasn't a problem. But the fact that they couldn't find the future together that they wanted. He wanted to travel and she wanted to buy a house and build a career. They both worked hard, but not for the same things. Miha realized that one of the reasons he felt so good after the divorce was that he no longer felt emotionally exhausted.
Think about the amount of time and energy you spent worrying about, talking about, and working on your past relationship. Now you can take that time and invest it in something fulfilling instead of a failed relationship.
3. You can start a new, exciting chapter in your life
Sometimes when you're in the middle of a bad relationship - you feel like breaking up - is a step backwards. But the truth is, when you're in a bad relationship, you're actually one step away from being single. A single person has one step to getting the love they want - finding a good relationship. On the other hand, a person in a bad relationship has two steps - to break up and find a good relationship again.
So, breaking up actually brings you one step closer to finding the love you want. Part of Miho's sense of hope came from the possibility of starting a new relationship with someone again - discovering a new mind and a new body. He was excited to create new experiences with someone, especially ones he never could with Ana.
You have the opportunity to experience things that you may have lost forever in a long-term relationship. If your previous partner was never very adventurous, this is your chance to find someone who is.
You can start a new, exciting chapter in your life.4. You can be selfish and don't need to compromise
Compromises were part of everyday life in Miha and Ana's relationship, in big and small things. When they were buying a house, Miha wanted a house away from the city, while Ana wanted the opposite. They ended up buying a house in an area that was less than ideal for both of them.
When Miha finished mourning, he suddenly got an incredible feeling of freedom, which he didn't even know he was missing.
There is definitely a special luxury of selfishness that comes with being single that people in relationships don't enjoy, no matter how flexible their partner is. You should always consider how your decisions might affect them and inform them of your activities.
So, think about something you had to give up in your relationship. It could be something as simple as a TV series that your partner hated, or perhaps an extended trip abroad.
5. You can reclaim your personal power
After eight years of relationship, Miha forgot what it was like to be alone. He was used to having a climbing partner whenever he wanted one, or a sounding board for bigger decisions whenever he needed one. Ana was his emotional support.
In the first few months after the breakup, Miha found a whole weekend without plans terrifying. It wasn't that he couldn't do something on his own, but he no longer had the feeling that he was enough - alone.
His breakthrough began when he decided not to distract himself with various social activities every weekend, but to simply sit with his thoughts and learn to be alone with himself.
When he went for a walk that weekend and stood in the sun with no plans, he thought: "I feel good and I don't need anyone else and nothing but myself." He said he hadn't felt such a strong sense of self-confidence in decades.
So create an opportunity to intentionally be alone and create good feelings by tuning into yourself. You can do something that you used to love to do, remember past achievements that you are particularly proud of. Be grateful for the things you have created in your life or simply acknowledge any feelings you have.
It's a magical feeling when you know deep down that only you - only you - is enough. It's that feeling of trusting yourself in your judgments, decisions and your ability to be happy. Being single is where you really get to see and internalize the lessons you've learned from past relationships.
Being single is a choice. A choice to prepare for better things to come.
You can reclaim your personal power.
