How can we avoid them to make our relationship work?
Clinical psychologist Shandy Margie on her shows Dear Shandy it talks about mistakes in relationships.
Let's take a look at the 6 most common mistakes she says we make in dating and love and how to avoid them to make your relationship thrive.
1. Give yourself time to become someone you like
Among friends, especially men, someone suggests a get-together, a cycling tour. Even though no one has trained for months, you find yourself on an excursion the equivalent of an Ironman triathlon—and spend the next three days on the couch waiting for your butt to stop hurting.
According to Margie, we do the same thing in relationships. We try to run before we can walk. When you truly allow yourself to take the time to truly become someone you love. When you become someone you enjoy being with, when you are happy with the life you have, you will attract someone you like. In other words - you can't find true love before you really love yourself.
Your life will never be perfect and you can't exactly determine the time when you will meet the "right one". Until you feel truly satisfied with your life as it is—with your work, your health, and your non-romantic relationships—this should be the starting point you strive for. And not finding a partner to fix.
It is a unique feeling when you enter yourself and live in the heart of who you are. Then you start attracting the right people and things. And if you're not there, you know it! Give yourself time to get there.
2. Allow your relationship to reach a point of conflict
When you walk alone in the forest, a narrow path will suffice. If you will be walking next to your partner, you will need a wider one. So if you want to stay together, you have to find a new path - a path that neither of you might have chosen on your own.
This is what it means to resolve conflict in your relationship. But according to Margie, many people never even allow themselves to get there. It's not that you want to seek conflict with your partner, but it's important to test whether the relationship is capable of growth.
How you do it is less important than what you do. Margie says: "I'm not saying that you should sit down like two Zen masters and just share your feelings. No, you can argue, do whatever, but is it productive? Can you find somewhere to resolve things that aren't working? "
The key question is what the relationship requires of you. Your relationship should grow after every conflict, not decline. For that, you need a magic word "I'm sorry." You need empathy, patience and humility. You need to find a path with enough space for both of you, and while it may not always be the fastest, it will be the one that will make your relationship last.
3. Understand that you cannot change other people
One of the reasons that you will naturally reach a point of conflict in your relationship is because you are different people! Eventually, they will disagree on something. The most important lesson is to understand that you cannot change other people. Other people are beautiful and perfect just the way they are.
If you're constantly disappointed that people aren't what you need them to be, you should evaluate whether you really love them. It's not really love, it's satisfaction. Love is loving someone who isn't exactly what you need them to be, but loving them anyway. If your partner wants to change, that's an effort you can support, but it's not up to you to decide when, how, and why.
If you are willing to change yourself, you can change the attitude - and thus change the person. But that's not because you changed them, but because you allowed yourself to be part of that change. However, never change yourself in hopes of changing your partner. Realizing that you can't make people different is a truly liberating thing.
4. Accept that romantic love is conditional
Just because you shouldn't expect people to change doesn't mean you have to accept everything they do. This sounds like a contradiction, but it's actually a balance. Maintaining this balance is why sometimes the only way to move forward in a relationship is to end it.
If your partner starts smoking and smoking is unacceptable to you, you can observe the situation for a while. You can see if they have a desire to break the habit, then support them. But realistically, you can't expect them to change, and you won't give up your principle either. That might be the line in the sand you can't cross.
Relationships between adults are not like relationships between parents and children. When a parent loves a child, it is truly unconditional. When two adults come together, however, it is normal to expect some form of give and take. Don't test how much your partner loves you. Don't play childish games. Don't expect them to accept everything you do.
You are not a bad person for not laughing at every stupid decision your partner makes and for not putting up with all the antics. They are two adults living in the real world. Behave like this.
5. Everything is fine - as long as you can talk about it
Whatever problem you have in your relationship, when you talk about it, you are already working on it. If the problem is noteworthy, it is manageable. In other words: everything is fine as long as you can talk about it.
Open important questions. The trick is to realize that anything can be discussed. All that is human is noteworthy, and all that is noteworthy can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less compelling, less exciting, and less scary. Don't be afraid. Talk about your feelings.
6. Leave out any question that is less important than the relationship itself
The importance of relationship should always take priority over everything else. A relationship is like a nut. Nothing else matters. Protect the queen. Also, if you think: "I'm right, she/he isn't," is it really important enough to cause a fight or a breakup? It didn't. Never.
Your relationship will never be the only thing that matters in your life, but you will face situations where you have to decide that it is more important than anything else. Place it "we" above "I".
“Even though I'm angry, even though I'm hurt, the cup is ME that we both drink from and that we wish were filled. If I am vengeful or wicked, I will have nothing to drink.” Some issues need to be resolved. Some don't. Protect your relationship.
Like life, love finds a way. It may not send you the perfect partner tomorrow, but if you avoid the biggest pitfalls, it will soon find its way to you.
