Those who have never been wounded by love will never be able to say "I lived!", because they never really lived. – Paulo Coelho
Why it happens and how to get over unrequited love, summarized in the words of Anđelka Jelčić, B.Sc. spec. pedagogue and family psychotherapists.
Unrequited love is romantic love that exists only on one side, only from one person to another. The other person does not have to be the one who has no emotions at all, they can have a friendly affection, which is contrary to the intensity of the emotions offered. This person rejects an offer of romantic attachment.
Unrequited love doesn't mean immediate rejection, but there are situations in which one person develops romantic feelings while dating, while the other does not. A person was given hope, which was then lost. There are always two sides to unrequited love, although usually only the side of the one offering his love is explained. Love is not always a circle of reciprocity.
Why does unrequited love happen?
The reasons can be different, from confusion to deeper psychological processes. As long as the attraction is maintained at the level of reciprocity, this love should not find its place. People who are attractive in terms of appearance, achievements, social status choose other attractive people due to a greater chance of choosing a partner.
Unattainable love is at the same time an illusion with the most potential, and it can be the reason for unrequited love. This choice of partner is associated with insecure attachment patterns. Platonic friendly love is the basis for a close and intimate exchange where one of the friends develops romantic feelings. Other scenarios may involve misinterpreting nonverbal cues and then rejecting more attractive partners, believing that they will not be able to keep their love. Attachment is the emotional connection we develop with our parents, the thread that allows us to survive.
Why is the love offered not returned?
Research has confirmed that people who are not defensive towards others are more likely to find love. Love is also taking risks. Exposure to the possibility of injury. Unrequited Love, however, reveals the dimensions of this risk.
Love is also a cultural representation, highly valued in society, which adds extra pressure with the message: "If you fail in love, it is a reflection of your worth. Love gives meaning to life and justifies many human actions."
So unrequited love equals failure at the most important task in life. For fear of being exposed to the risk of failure, some may choose not to take any risks at all.
Research shows a multitude of communication misunderstandings when it comes to explaining why rejection occurs. People tend to give general and wrong reasons, even if they are really very simple. The reasons for such answers lie in the fear of the person who was rejected, they do not want to open up their own vulnerability and fears.
How often does unrequited love happen?
Even research does not give a correct answer, because not everyone experiences unhappy love in the same way. According to some research, this can happen up to twice a year. An interesting fact gleaned from such studies is that people report being loved much more than being exposed to unrequited love. Men and women are more alike than you might think.
How do both sides feel?
The feeling is different for the one who rejects love than for the rejected person. The one who rejects her may feel frustration, social discomfort. The pain of unrequited love happens on the other side. Deeper feelings are triggered by guilt and humiliation.
Rejection affects the self-esteem of the rejected person. Romantic rejection is much more than the frustration of desire, it can be interpreted as a valuation, an evaluation of one's own worth. The options in such situations are trying to get the desired love or drowning in silence with your own emotions or giving up on the desired partner.
A person who rejects another person's love may feel guilty for causing emotional suffering. The rejected person has the task of regaining his shaken self-esteem, and the rejecter has the task of morally justifying himself and getting rid of the guilt.
The culture of the one who rejects love mostly presents him as a lover, a desirable person, and often rude and insensitive. A person who rejects others often struggles with personal problems, feelings of guilt, insecurity and doubts about their own decisions.
All love is an emotional interdependence where the actions of one person determine the feelings of the other person.
How do you recover from unrequited love?
Unrequited love is idealized, often perfect, unknown and at the same time a place that requires less engagement and self-confrontation. Unrequited love is not demanding, it does not require compromises, common solutions, loyalty. Communication takes place in one direction, love is most evident in the monologue of feelings and thoughts of the one who loves. For these reasons, it is useful to ask whether this pattern of behavior has been repeated several times in order to better understand oneself, the reasons for entering into such relationships and how to introduce changes.
Sometimes we act out our misconceptions in real life. If a person suffers from low self-esteem, bad, negative, full of criticism, a bad opinion about himself, his destructive pattern can be attachment to a person who rejects him, which confirms a previously formed misconception: "I don't deserve love, I'm not worthy enough." Looking for unrequited love is looking for your own bad script about yourself.
These two steps are usually processed in a psychotherapeutic process, where a person in a safe, nurturing and supportive relationship slowly begins to accept himself and reject bad patterns. Compassion and self-love develop in parallel, and the focus shifts from the other person to one's own personality.
Setting healthy boundaries. When someone leaves your life, don't leave them open on social networks, don't follow them and don't communicate with them. Otherwise, such behavior reactivates the previously mentioned negative feelings of inferiority and does not allow the movement towards a healthier attitude towards oneself.
Give yourself time – this means a period of at least six months to be able to process emotional and mental content related to another person. Otherwise, entering into a new emotional relationship can carry traces of old unresolved emotional problems.
