How to have productive conversations about intimacy with your partner

It may be necessary to talk and agree on certain aspects of sex (from frequency to quality) at the very beginning of the relationship, which is completely normal, given that they are two different people with different expectations of physical intimacy.

When these differences are manifested in misunderstandings and insufficient satisfaction in bed, it is necessary to talk and find out where the shortcomings appear, that is, express your needs and expectations and better understand your partner.

Don't surprise your partner by talking about sex

Psychologists do not recommend that you talk about sex in bed, but that you choose a neutral "field". Invite your partner for a coffee or a drink and inform them in advance of your intention. You could say that you would like to talk about how to achieve more pleasure. The partner may take a defensive stance or be anxious, expecting to hear criticism and complaints.

Do not tell him "we need to talk", because he will be burdened with dark thoughts and heavy energy, because this phrase never indicates anything good.

But if you let him know that you feel good with him and that you feel that you can be even better if you get to know each other's needs even better.

Choose only one topic for one conversation

Do not make a list of everything that needs to be improved in an intimate exchange, as this is completely discouraging and destructive. Pick one topic, say tenderness during foreplay. Always compliment what you like, say - I like it when you do that to me, and then add what you don't like, without your partner noticing.

The conversation should therefore be relaxed, in a positive tone, with an emphasis on the good things, what your partner is good at and what excites you about him.

Giving instructions can be a very sensitive issue, as your partner may interpret them as criticism. You should make it clear that guidance is welcome, especially if you are in a new relationship, and that surely everyone knows best what they like and what gives them the most pleasure.

Make suggestions instead of complaints and be very tactful

Instead of saying "too much, you're in a hurry, I need a longer foreplay" say "slow down, this really turns me on, especially when you touch me here."

Emphasize what turns you on and encourage your partner to continue such stimulation without changing the speed and pressure - with a little practice and your obvious enjoyment and excitement as a sign that he's doing it right, he'll adopt an approach that suits you.

Don't forget the basics

There are basic questions you can ask to better meet each other's expectations.

What time of day are you most ready for sex? Should only the woman seduce or does it apply to both? Should one partner have more initiative, or is it perfectly acceptable for you to initiate sex whenever you want? Do you like the initiative that starts with touch, words, flirting? How often do you want to have sex? What moods, rhythms and actions excite you the most during sex?

If you are new to a relationship and just getting to know each other, having sexual conversations before misunderstandings and dissatisfaction arise is an important part of communication and getting to know each other and developing trust and respect.