"A family without love is like a tree without roots." - Laksh proverb
Your relationship with your family should be a mythical bond that no one and nothing can break.
But sometimes the only right solution is to distance yourself from certain family members, even if that means isolating yourself from them indefinitely. You should never compromise your mental, emotional, or physical health to tolerate their toxic behavior.
It is important to recognize the signs of a toxic person before removing them from your life!
1. They criticize
Criticism can only be good and healthy when it is constructive. Constant humiliating and unfair criticism can seriously affect your self-esteem.
2. They feed on drama
They will make sure that there will be drama in their lives, and consequently in yours, at all times. They will either amplify their problems or deepen yours.
Have you ever sought personal advice from a family member? With someone you thought was reliable and an ally? And after you have shared the most vulnerable moments with him, you realize that this family member has betrayed you and that now everyone in the family knows about your secrets.
3. They use “gaslighting”
If a family member hotly claims that they didn't say or do something, when you and everyone else know it wasn't true, then you are a victim of "gaslighting." This is a form of systematic emotional abuse. It is a tactic of coercive and controlling behavior that seeks to make the victim doubt themselves and their own sanity and events.
4. They are only available to you when they need something from you
They will often turn to you when they need advice or emotional comfort. But as soon as they get it, they will move away from you again. When you need support, they will never be there. They ignore your needs or use everything they know about you against you and manipulate you.
5. They oscillate between positive and negative behavior
One moment you will be yelled at and insulted, the next moment you will be praised and supported. But only to catch you in an emotional trap again. If you walk away from them and ignore them, they will do everything in their power to regain control of you. Such people cannot stand your ignorance. Usually these positive interactions are short lived before the individual reverts to their typical manipulative behavior.
If someone in your family exhibits any of these symptoms of toxic behavior, they pose a threat to your mental health.
Social worker Alithia Asturrizaga explains: "I have worked with countless people who have had relationships with toxic family members in their lives." Toxic relationships can be emotionally draining, which can affect your overall mental well-being.
"There are certain techniques that can make these relationships bearable. But most methods involve distancing (to some extent) from the toxic person. In many cases, the best solution is to completely remove the toxic person from your life. This is not easy and is often complicated and emotionally confusing, especially in the case of close family relationships. When situations deteriorate to the point where it is impossible to live a happy and free life, this course of action is usually the best one." says Asturrizaga.
Shannon Battle says the best way to approach a toxic person is to first set boundaries. Thus he suggests: “Whenever you're dealing with toxicity, you realize there's a learning curve. There will be periods of uncertainty, guilt and possible relationship loss. You need to determine the level of sacrifice you are willing to make to protect your feelings. Sometimes you have to hurt someone to help someone else or yourself. Behavior is always influenced by choice.”
While you may feel an innate desire to keep a toxic family member in your life, especially if that family member is your parent, it's important to understand that having a toxic person in your life is damaging to your mental health.
Imagine a life where you separate from a toxic family member, it may seem impossible, but it is possible - because you don't need to.
Even after you cut contact, you will still need time to recover from the abuse. Family is a subjective term, so you can create a new family with the help of friends. A supportive environment will help you make the positive changes you need in your life.
Lori Osachy explains: "Often one of these toxic family members is the parent. It is extremely painful to realize that the toxic parent's personality is unlikely to change. Deciding to go low or no contact can be scary. But when it comes to an ongoing cycle of abusive behavior, it will not change until you accept the fact that such behavior is actually harmful and will only change when you distance yourself from them.”
It often happens that toxic people claim that they are victims because you avoid them. They want to give you the false impression that they have changed or that they are sorry. These are the same bullying tactics they used before and you must not give in and accept them back into your life.
Toxicity is harmful and you don't need this type of behavior that is killing your mental health.
