What does a relationship look like after cheating?
Let's take a look at a couple discussing their relationship and their journey together after infidelity.
(Lola, 27, and Nico, 27 – Bustle recap)
L: Our first year was pretty wild. We had fun for a few months, everything seemed natural and healthy.
N: I met Lola shortly after I moved, so I was just starting to explore my new life, friends, nightlife…
L: I felt independent and successful in my career.
N: We spent a lot of time together and tried to fit it in during the week. We were always together on weekends.
L: After three months we became a couple. After about four months, I knew I was in love.
N: I was no longer interested in being with anyone else. I could be alone around her without any excuses.
L: He always said he was ready to settle down with me, but his actions sometimes suggested otherwise.
N: I would argue about stupid things like how to prepare food or how to cook properly. We both like to do things our way. Lola doesn't like being told what to do.
vibe wow tech / Unsplash
L: I can be really insecure. It's hard for me to let him have fun without me. After about a year, I felt like he was making empty promises.
N: The problem was mostly related to my decisions. I lied—or withheld details—about drug use.
L: I kept asking: should we break up?
N: I was blind to the problem. I thought our relationship was strong and that my wrongdoings could always be righted somehow.
L: I think my decision to be unfaithful was an unconscious consequence. I would have to face the fact that I felt completely defeated, but I was unfaithful so that the relationship would end. But I didn't realize it at the time.
Three days later I told him. I think he knew something was wrong. I don't know if I've ever felt worse. I have never hurt anyone like that in my life and I felt really bad.
N: When I drove up to her house, I ran through all the possible scenarios, trying to figure out what could be wrong, but infidelity never crossed my mind. I went in, sat on her bed and she told me she did the worst thing in the world. I felt numb—like in a dream. I was frustrated and angry, not necessarily because of what had happened, but because of the pain and emotional journey I knew we were both going to have to go through. This was the second time I had experienced something like this, so I knew that only time could heal it.
L: We broke up for a little over two months. I saw myself differently after that. I know he sees me differently. I've never done anything morally objectionable before.
N: We both wanted to be able to move on with our lives and agreed to focus on ourselves.
L: I realized that a lot of the issues behind my infidelity were based on commitment issues from my past relationship and my parents' relationship. They are still married but hate each other.
N: The next few months I focused more on myself than I ever had in my life. I found a new job, practiced yoga every day and got closer to my family. I walked around and had a few fun nights out with my friends.
L: Therapy helped me realize that I am in control of my life. I learned to live a more independent and full life. I knew I didn't have to be with someone just because I was sad without them.
N: It was one of the most difficult moments in my life. The loneliness was hard.
L: One day I was in a restaurant and I saw him pass by the window. I ran out to just watch him go and then I started crying. I texted him and from that day on, we talked about how much we missed each other. But at that time we didn't even think about getting back together.
N: One day we met for lunch.
L: Seeing it in person really made us start thinking about getting back together.
N: Slowly we realized that we both wanted the same thing.
L: Our relationship is different in most ways, but the same in some ways. Since the outbreak of COVID-19, we have been living together and doing very well. I thought I was pretty confident, with strong communication skills, but I didn't discover so much of the unconscious until I cheated.
N: For the most part, our relationship seems completely new to me. It seems as if we have created something based on past experiences.
L: Lifestyle issues still occur, but at a quarter of the rate they used to.
N: We agreed to go to couples counseling. This is a good opportunity to deal with long-term problems that we carry deep inside before they lead to complications.
I decided to focus on the present and the future.
L: I still have a hard time trusting him. He didn't cheat on me, but after a ton of small broken promises, only these left a mark. I know what I did was worse, but I feel like I really solved my problems. I trust myself. I'm trying to get him to trust me, he's never accused me of anything or been overly suspicious. I think if the roles were reversed she would be much more insecure. I admire him in so many ways.
N: I trust her and I fully believe that what happened will never happen again, in order to do this, you have to know what flaws you are willing to accept.
L: I don't want her to agree with me just because she wants to avoid an argument.
N: I learned that people make mistakes, but time changes everything and some emotions are temporary. I also learned not to take anything for granted. Life can turn around quickly and it can happen at the most unexpected moments, including to you.
L: At the end of the day, I feel hopeful.
