When we enter a relationship, we are all "dressed for work." We groom ourselves, (every day) wear nice underwear, do nice things, present ourselves in the most beautiful light. What's more, we show a deep interest in our partner, find out what's important to him and try to make him feel good...
But when we relax, we hear in our minds: "Hey, what about me?!" That inner voice grows louder and louder until one day it snaps and turns into "That is not fair!". Our partner does not give us back as much as we give to him, and we didn't expect that.
Over time, we slip into unhelpful patterns of thought, emotion, and behavior that can turn into the blame game: "It's not me, it's you!" And that leads to chronic dissatisfaction.
So, before that happens to you, think a little about yourself. (Warning: don't tell your partner about all your mistakes, because that would just be looking for problems - just quietly start fixing them.)
With the test below check what kind of partner you are and find out in which areas you should improve. (Your partner should also complete the test.)
Test: Am I a good or bad partner?
Answer the following statements with: "Yes", "it could be better" or "no".
- I willingly admit when I'm wrong. I can fully apologize without my partner having to ask me to do so.
I have my own independent interests and friendships - and I make time for them. I'm glad that the same applies to my partner - and I encourage him to do the same. - I'm fun to be with. I can be optimistic, laugh and tell my partner an inside joke. I'm not constantly killed. (If you're depressed or struggling with mental illness, you can skip this point, but not if you're not committed enough to solving your problems. It's not fair to your partner and family to leave recovery to chance.)
- I'm not a queen or the king of drama. I don't exaggerate (too often). I can consistently manage my emotional responses - and if my partner were standing behind me right now watching me take the test, he would agree with me.
- My partner and I agree on the time we spend on electronic devices and the time we spend on recreational activities (including alcohol, drugs, pornography, computer or video games, sex, social media). If we disagree, I try to improve.
- I deal with misunderstandings rationally. I like to present arguments in a fair and healthy way. (Caution: storming out of the room, cooking a mule, hiding in your cave for two days, or heating things up endlessly is not a healthy strategy.)
- I try hard, physically, emotionally and socially. I do my responsibilities. I deal with children (if you have them). I'm talking. Listening. I propose matters. I don't wait for my partner to always come up with ideas about home and socializing, I don't wait for him to "take care of the organization", but if I do, I don't complain about having a busy schedule.
- I share the emotional burden with my partner. I give at least as much as I take. I talk to my partner about his concerns. I ask how I can be of greater support (and I try to make it happen).
- In general, I support my partner's dreams and desires, but not if I have to suffer for it. I realize that I need this kind of support myself.
- My expectations are realistic. I don't expect my partner to be a superhero and/or to satisfy my every need. I can work well on my own.
- I work and speak with my partner with the same respect as with friends, colleagues and others. I treat him the way I want him to treat me.
- I don't play games. I do not manipulate, abuse, control or overly criticize my partner. (Note: This is a tricky question. There's no way people who actually do all of this will admit to it, especially not in a "stupid" relationship test like this.)
RESULTS
Mostly yes
It's hard to be the perfect partner, but it sounds like you're really close. This test was made for humans. Are you sure you're not a robot?
Mostly "could be better"
Most of us get this result. That's fine. Pick an area you want to improve and start there. Today.
Mostly no
Hmmm. You're definitely not a robot, are you? At least you are honest, even though you have (hard) work ahead of you!
