All relationships in our lives require effort and work. However, not all "work" is good!
One of the things that has kept me in bad relationships longer than I should have—and keeps most of us in bad relationships longer than is healthy—is that unfortunate phrase: "All relationships require effort and work." And her ugly cousin: "All couples fight."
It's not that I've never been in a relationship before (because of course I have), or that all men before him were equally bad (because of course they weren't). More than that, my previous relationships—most notably my high school sweetheart, whom I adored—were created from daydreams. We never "argued" and it was quite "easy" because we simply had no worries. Our entire universe consisted of deciding where to eat lunch, what movie to watch, and who would put down the phone first. And, of course, from the non-jumping ones "I love you".
I knew that I didn't want to live forever on this kind of love alone. I knew I needed an adult partner. Someone I can be serious with. Someone who will share my efforts with me. Someone with whom I can share all the struggles. Someone who will want to settle down with me.
And I thought that a relationship with an adult meant that you take the bad with the good, and "bad" would mean nasty arguments and contempt.
"All couples argue", but not all arguments are good
Contempt is a red flag. Resentment is a red flag. Humiliation, "below the belt" statements and emotional struggles are red flags. Maybe this sounds obvious, maybe it sounds like fantasy. I can understand both because I have agreed with both at some points in my life. There were days when I thought to myself: "I will never be hostile towards my partner," and again other days when I thought "Everyone hates their partner now and then". But no, that shouldn't be the case. It's not good to jump into one's hair like that. To see each other in such a way. To hate each other, even if only for a moment. There is a better version of a relationship out there somewhere, and if you decide you want it really bad, you can have it!
And after trying both ways, I can tell you with certainty: pervasive love, care, and kindness—pervading even in moments of anger, frustration, and disappointment—is something incredible, something worth having. And when we are lucky enough to have it and to give it, we wonder how we ever could have chosen anything else in the past!
All couples fight. We all have disagreements, frustrations, human emotions that are not perfectly captured. The difference between "good" and "bad" work and effort lies in how we direct it, and whether we see a partner on the other side, or just someone we want to defeat, over whom we want to win and "be right".
It shouldn't hurt
Certainly not. Not even when things pile up. When we draw the line at the end of the day, the good should - immediately, irrevocably, undeniably - trump the bad!
I'm not saying you should never be in pain - sadness, frustration or anger is a normal part of life. No one is here to protect you from reality. But in general, our relationship should be good for the most part, and we should never convince ourselves that bad things are good for something, or that it is necessary to fight with bad things (forever).
When we look at our relationship, long and short, it should bring us more happiness than pain. Much better luck. Maybe not every day or every moment of the day, maybe not even every week or if we have a really bad month... Because then - and especially when we want to build a long-term relationship - we will all encounter difficult days that we will have to accept. Relationships aren't all roses and rainbows, and rightly so. But if we look at our relationship as a whole, we should be happy.
The relationship should be proactive and in the maintenance phase, not reactive and in the damage repair phase
Work for a relationship should be easy, collected, calm. We should be laying the groundwork for the future and doing things in peace with our partner, not repairing the damage we have caused to each other.
And just to be clear: even if you put in 110 percent effort - "more effort than your partner", which is a red flag in itself - and you also cause irreparable damage from time to time, you are part of the problem! Don't be codependent. Don't manipulate these things. Don't get into emotional wars. Don't think you're a great partner just because you're there for the other person most of the time if you're also the one who ruins things!
Be there for your partner at all times. Even when you're upset. Be proactive and make an effort, especially when it matters! (Provided you get what you give, of course!)
A relationship should be a labor of love
You have to put effort and work into a relationship - in the same way that we put it into, for example, our car, or anything else that makes us happy. My motorcycle is by far my favorite possession. When people ask me what I would do if my house was on fire, I always ask "And the garage is also on fire?". This motorcycle brings me crazy joy.
And no, not everything always goes smoothly here either. I'm driving in the rain. I drive for 18 hours straight or for example only 10 minutes. Sometimes I can drive fast, sometimes I'm forced to drive very slowly (think ice). Sometimes driving is tiring, sometimes invigorating. And any ride is better than none. I fix the motorcycle when it is necessary. Always happy, never resentful. Of course, driving in the rain isn't as much fun as it is in perfect weather. And fixing a motorcycle isn't as much fun as riding it yourself, but I love this bike so much that obstacles hardly bother me. They are just part of the whole experience.
This is how love should feel. This is what "working" for a relationship should feel like. It takes effort, but that effort shouldn't feel like effort. Above all, it should feel like LOVE!
