And while most relationships start out with a high level of sexual satisfaction due to infatuation and a high dose of hormones, of course that all dries up over time. But we all wonder how some couples manage to find the formula for lasting sexual happiness.
Hollywood movies, cheap soap operas and great women's magazines often cloud our perception of sex, love and relationships. Fortunately, there is an empirical study on this issue that separates the myths from the reality.
Social psychologists at the University of Toronto investigated the sex lives of 1,900 study participants, including heterosexual and homosexual couples, in hopes of answering an age-old question. What do we need for a happy sex life?
Happiness is not in numbers - but in effort
Their research basically showed that sexual pleasure in long-term relationships centers on our desire to solve our sexual problems and our sexual expectations, as scientists call it. Those who held less rigid and idealistic views of "soul mates" and other implicit theories about sexuality were more satisfied with their partners in the bedroom. This means that we must be as open as possible to different ways of thinking. We know that disagreements in the area of sexuality are practically inevitable over time. Your sex life is like a garden, and it needs to be watered and nurtured in order to maintain it, says study author Jessica Maxwell, head of the psychology department at the University of Toronto.
Their research found that couples often have a honeymoon period in their sex lives that lasts about two to three years. After, the desire for sex slowly decreases. From this moment on, the researchers say, it is important to be on your own sex you see it as something that is open to discussion and change. And every now and then it also needs changes.
The key is to embrace change rather than criticize it
As he explains Maxwell, it's a stark comparison to romanticized ideas of soul mates and "romantic doomsday stories" that promote relationships as static and predetermined. This can lead to people feeling that the relationship just has to end if things aren't as they once were, or if things aren't meeting your expectations. It's actually something that can be worked on, and sexually happy couples do it all the time.
People who believe in sexual destiny use their sex life as a barometer of how good their relationship is and believe that problems in the bedroom equate to problems in the relationship as a whole, Maxwell adds, explaining that people who believe in sexual growth do not they just believe they can solve their sexual problems, but don't let them affect their relationship satisfaction.
Frequency of sexual intercourse according to age
According to data collected by one of the largest studies American Kinsey Institute, this is the average frequency of sexual intercourse according to age. The results are interpreted as "normal", although minor deviations do not necessarily mean something bad or even something good.
- Between the ages of 18 and 29: about 112 times a year (approximately every 3.2 days)
- Between the ages of 30 and 39: about 86 times a year (approximately every 4.2 days)
- Between the ages of 40 and 49: about 69 times a year (approximately every 5.3 days)
Although the study was conducted on people up to the age of 50, many studies show that people are sexually active in their 60s and 70s and not much less.
The problem is never just sexuality
In many sexless marriages, the underlying problem is not the sex itself, but the lack of empathy and understanding of the spouse. If I had more understanding, someone would accept that there is a problem and try to find some solution to it. If we ignore everything, the other side feels rejected, lacks an overall sense of closeness, and resentment and frustration begin.
The way you approach the problem is very important, emphasizes psychiatrist Rachel Sussman. A verbal attack usually results in an attack from the other side. The worst we can say is "what's wrong with you?" or "what kind of man / woman are you?".
If the problem is addressed in a calm manner, with a glass of wine and the best of intentions, partners who still love each other will have compassion for the other and will want to work on happy sex life.
