Couples argue, but when the fighting and yelling stops, tension can remain in the air. And even if you want to somehow solve the problem and make peace with your partner, you may still be angry. An argument can be difficult to iron out, but the long-term consequences of unresolved issues can be fatal to a relationship. The best way to resolve disagreements is to invest in better communication in the future.
No one enjoys emotional exclusion and icy stares. Without reconciliation, misunderstandings and hurt feelings don't go away, they just get suppressed and resurface in future moments of tension.
When you solve a problem and smooth over an argument, it creates a sense of security in the relationship. This makes the atmosphere between you warmer and you feel more connected.
Step one: Control the flow and duration of the argument
The beginning of reconciliation is actually when you stop fighting and you want the damage in the relationship to be as small as possible. The vast majority of resentment and anger after an argument is based on harsh words people say to each other. The longer the argument goes on, the harsher the words are said and the deeper the wounds.
When you are upset, it is very difficult to stop and calm down. It's so tempting to say just one more thing to prove you right. The fact is, if there are tensions between the two partners in the relationship, it is difficult to achieve mutual understanding and respect for the other's points of view.
Ah, those fights. Photo: Milan Popovic / UnsplashWhat you can do is agree on a signal to end the argument. For example, a time-out hand sign, which will make both of you stop arguing and give the other a chance to cool off.
Step Two: Transition to Neutral Zone
This means that you are physically separated. If you stay together, it may be difficult not to pick up the fight where you left off. Calm down and start listening to your body and mind. Your heart is probably beating fast or you're breathing fast, you've probably remembered at least three more things you want to say to your partner. Let your nervous system calm down. If you are in a very bad mood, get up and go for a walk. Fresh air and activity will relax you.
In such emotional situations, the logical part of the brain shuts down and only emotions remain, which are amplified many times over.
Step Three: Repair the relationship, apologize
This is the hardest part. Think about how you contributed to the argument with your behavior and words? You may think you were just defending yourself, or you may have given your partner a reason to fight in the past because something is bothering you that you can't express. Making amends starts with apologizing for your role in the argument, even if you think you were only responsible for 1 percent of what happened.
Is it really that hard to say - sorry? Photo: Eric Ward/UnsplashWhy is it so hard to apologize?
Apologizing sincerely requires you to be vulnerable, even though it's an extremely uncomfortable feeling for people. Admitting that you've made a mistake or behaving in a way you're not proud of can be quite painful.
Maybe you feel weak because of the apology, or you fear that you will give up all the power in the relationship to your partner. This can lead to feelings of self-loathing or worthlessness. Accusing your partner of being entirely responsible for the fight encourages a new cycle of fighting.
The right answer comes without explanation. It comes from vulnerability: “I'm sorry for criticizing you. I know I hurt you.”
The recipe for reducing the amount of fighting in a relationship is to work on recovery. The secret is to dive into those vulnerable feelings, to see situations from your partner's perspective, and to gather the courage to take the step of a genuine apology.
