If we have the feeling that we are tired and confused after contact with someone and we cannot determine exactly why, we are probably dealing with an emotional manipulator. Such people are all around us, waiting to get their next dose of feeling of power and control. In the article, we reveal what the typical behavior of an emotional manipulator is and what are the six typical patterns of his behavior in a relationship that can make us feel that something is wrong with us.
1. Emotional manipulators constantly "humiliate" our emotions
When we tell our partner that his words hurt us, instead of a simple apology or the opportunity to talk about our feelings, he offers us a warning about why we shouldn't feel that way - he puts down our feelings as ridiculous and stupid and says that we are exaggerating. His calm demeanor and our increased sensitivity will make us think that something might be wrong with us. We start to wonder if they might be right? We retreat into our own thoughts and try to process the interaction, too insecure to continue the conversation.
If such people react with anger, let's be silent. We've just opened up and are vulnerable, and they've stepped into our space with aggression that makes us feel trampled and exposed. If this is their pattern, we may even begin to believe that we are responsible for their anger.
2. Emotional manipulators turn their behavior on us
When we gather the courage to say that we lack support, closeness, friendship and kindness in our relationship, emotional manipulators turn it around and place the blame on us. Instead of taking responsibility, they will point to things we have done. This will justify their reasons for being mean, indifferent, or yelling.
So we begin to question our feelings again. We may want to suppress the desire for healthy communication, because it is always too exhausting when we try to communicate. And this toxic cycle continues, further reducing our self-esteem.
How often do we hear things like: "It's your fault that I yell at you" , "Why do you want to start a fight?" and "If you didn't do it, I wouldn't do it either"? Such statements deny our right to our own emotions. If such people show no interest in learning to communicate effectively and in taking responsibility for their feelings and actions, then it is best to cut them out of your life. If our self-esteem doesn't reach the stars and our boundaries aren't clear, then their tactics can make us feel worthless.
3. Emotional manipulators behave differently towards us in public than they do at home.
So we became the target of jokes - the evening is going perfectly well, until someone drinks a few drops (too) too much and starts joking about something personal, which wipes the smile from our faces and embarrasses us. Because everyone else is laughing at this "joke" or "funny story" we don't feel it's the right time to express our feelings. That is why we continue to maintain our "facade". But when we mention our feelings on the way home, they dismiss them, saying that we are too sensitive: “It's just a joke, relax!”.
Emotional manipulators like to throw emotional daggers like: “Do you have PMS?!”. If they go too far and make a complete psychological diagnosis out of us, we get out of the taxi and decide on a transport that will allow us freedom of emotion. At home, in a private space, the emotional manipulator will apologize when he realizes that he has crossed the line. Only then will they take some responsibility for their behavior. They will often blame others as well, be it co-workers, crazy drivers or family. But they do it with such a believable tone that they will invite us to another chance.
READ MORE: Does the quality of sleep really affect our relationship with our partner?
4. Emotional manipulators refuse to be understood
"I wouldn't understand". Emotional manipulators will use this statement to make us feel that we are not intelligent enough to understand them. They do this because they have no desire for authentic, real communication with us. They want us to feel like we are subordinate to them and claim that there is no way to understand them. Our request for an explanation is a futile attempt.
A partner who does not say what he wants from us is also using this rejection technique. He prefers to wallow in his disapproval of us and the fact that we don't give him/her everything he/she needs - even though he never tells us that. This can leave us helpless, all we can do is wait for their anger to build up and explode. Since they don't tell us exactly what they want, all our actions and words are just a game that we won't win. We can only leave as fast as possible.
5. The emotional manipulator wants to make us believe that everyone agrees with him
Such a tactic instills fear, doubt and uncertainty in us, making us think that everyone is right and only we are wrong. The manipulator will tell us this when he wants to prove to us that our actions are bad, stupid, evil and rude. Usually we will ask ourselves if he is lying, but we may not listen to the inner voice and the way of the emotional manipulator will plant deep roots of doubt in us.
When we ask them who exactly has the same opinion as him, we don't get an answer. And confronting our friends probably won't happen - either we're afraid they'll agree, or they'll lie and deny it, or they'll just tell us we're stupid for falling for the tricks of such a cunning manipulator.
6. Emotional manipulators draw conclusions from our actions
"I know why you did it...". While it's normal for people to jump to conclusions about someone's behavior, real mature people actually ask the other person what their intentions and thoughts really are behind some action they've taken that made us feel a bit uncomfortable.
An emotional manipulator is like a stubborn toddler. They are persistent, persuasive and stick to their story, which can make us doubt ourselves. The third time we try to explain our reasons for doing something, we will usually encounter from their side: "I'm done with this".
All of these tactics are part of the life cycle of an emotional manipulator. It is impossible to get them out of this cycle, because they are not interested in communication - all that matters is that they are right.
HOW TO AVOID MANIPULATION?
- Ignore the manipulator's requests.
Pretend you didn't hear or understand them correctly. - Pay attention to how the person looks when they are explaining something to you.
Don't focus on words, focus on gestures. This will unsettle even the most experienced manipulators. - Change the topic of the conversation.
Confuse the manipulator. Pretend to agree with them at first, but then start asking them about the real meaning of their wish. - Don't give a quick answer.
Tell them you need time to think. In most cases, you will not be asked again, as the moment in question has passed.
