Relationship problems: Unresolved traumas from the past affect your partner relationships

Relationship problems - such as relationship conflict - can be the result of a defense against the unpleasant feelings that overwhelm us. Be it sadness, loneliness,... How often do we let these hardships prevent us from connecting authentically?

On the Psychology Today website, they published an in-depth article about how the hardships we endure throughout life can contribute to problems in relationships. Each person brings their own perceptions, interpretations and distortions to the relationship. These are often based on unresolved hardships or traumas from the past. As a result, these also affect our present. There are many ways that unresolved trauma, often hidden, can shape our relationships.

We often project the past onto the present. Most of us are only partially aware of this, but developmental experiences shape how we understand the present, how we think about relationships and ourselves, what we allow ourselves to think and feel, etc. Unconsciously, our perception of what is happening is formed on the basis of expectations and experiences from the past. People who agree with us are idealized and attracted to us, while those who ask questions and defy us, we don't always want around.

Humans can have recognition problems because we cannot separate the past from the present. Part of the defense system is that we are not aware of what we are doing. Awareness of the often hidden defense processes that operate to maintain security at all costs is often accompanied by fear of destabilization or uncertainty about whether change is possible.

Relationship problems and self-identity

Projecting onto others saves us the challenge and difficulty of self-recognition. We get rid of unpleasant parts of the seat by moving them to others, thus 'resolving' possible confusion about good and bad. Thus, we can perceive everything as either good or bad, while not realizing that nothing is only black and nothing is only white. Reality tends to be complex, requiring a complex framework and capacity for contemplative experience.

“Dysfunction in the present will persist until past and present issues are addressed piecemeal and integratively. Dysfunctional actions, patterns of blame and hurt based on projection and splitting will only disappear when we separate past and future, what is threat-based and trauma-related and what is not. The only way to really get to know someone is over time. If we don't slow down and catch all sides of ourselves, we won't think about things constructively or allow room for emotions to guide us. It can take time for emotions to emerge, especially if we have avoided feelings due to trauma or are completely numb," concludes psychiatrist Dr. Hilary Brenner Grant.