Each of us has probably gone through a relationship or friendship where we ended up disappointed and alone. But have you ever wondered what is the thing that can put a relationship in crisis and even kill it?
Derek Harvey, life coach, father, husband and writer shared an interesting, honest and personal story on his website revealing what really kills marriages and relationships.
"Right after my wife and I got married, we attended a seminar on the rehabilitation of victims of human trafficking, especially those who were sold for sexual services. In one of the speeches of the seminar coordinators, he asked the audience what is the biggest reason for divorce. Having just gone through pre-marital counseling, I felt like an expert on marriage. So I quickly raised my hand to answer the question and said: "Sex, money and communication!" Then I looked at the woman next to me and smiled. Too easy!
"Wrong answer," the linker said teasingly. "These are symptoms of real problems".
Ouch. Did I just embarrass myself?
Not only did I learn a harsh lesson in humility, but what followed changed my life. I received the best married life advice, the best this young, proud, newly married man could have ever asked for.
"There is only one reason marriages end in divorce...unmet expectations," continued the linker.
The newly married man's brain could not bear this revelation. I don't remember much of what he said after that. I was too busy thinking about all the unfulfilled expectations I was experiencing already a month after the wedding.
Since that seminar six years ago, I have seen the pain and frustration that comes from unmet expectations, not just in marriage, but in all relationships. It is a deadly poison that flows to the heart and wreaks havoc on a relationship.
But unfulfilled expectations are not only a problem of married life. They are a life problem. It doesn't matter if you are single, married, employed, unemployed, old, young... Unfulfilled expectations are deadly for everyone. No one is immune.
So… what is the solution?
I'm a mathematician at heart. I love equations. I like to play with numbers, I enjoyed algebra and calculus in high school. So I came across the equation.
EXPECTATION - REALITY = FRUSTRATION
What does that mean? It is described below in two hypothetical situations.
EXPECTATION
When I come home after a long and tiring day, I EXPECT dinner to be ready and we will sit down at the table and eat as a family. The wife will wear a spotless apron (because she is perfect), her hair will be perfectly groomed. Meanwhile, my 16-month-old daughter will sit in her chair and eat with utensils…she will never miss her mouth, which means virtually no cleaning. After we're all done with dinner, we'll go for a walk while the butler cleans the kitchen and prepares our home for the evening's activities.
REALITY
I get home half an hour later, my wife hasn't been able to think about dinner yet, let alone start preparing it. Because of this, the little one screams at the top of his mouth, "YET! PLEASE! FOOD”. When I look for my wife, I find her finishing up a design project because she has to catch a show deadline that technically has already passed. When I ask her what's for dinner, she gives me that look that only a tired, overworked mom can give you. Taking my little one in my arms, I go to the kitchen and notice that there is NO FOOD. So, master chef that I am, I see bread and cheese. “Grilled cheese!” I exclaim. I put my daughter in her chair, and she starts screaming again. I quickly grab some applesauce to calm her down. It works...for now. I make my own grilled cheese sandwiches. We all sing them. The kitchen is a mess. Toys are all over the living room, just waiting for someone to break their ankle on them. My wife and I collapse on the couch, avoid eye contact, avoid cleaning the kitchen. I could go on, but you get the idea…
FRUSTRATION = difference between the two
Quite a complicated situation, I know. I try to paint what our expectations can be and what life is like in reality.
Antonio Banderas says it best: "Expectation is the mother of all frustrations."
The fact is this: in life, we often have expectations that are not fulfilled, which is why we are often frustrated.
But we DON'T have to be.
Here's the answer: put your REALITY ahead of your EXPECTATIONS. Some might say that we should just drop all expectations. But I wouldn't go that far myself. I think it's good to have healthy, realistic expectations that we talk about. This is something we must achieve. But when you find yourself in a situation where your expectations are not met, let reality take the lead. At that moment, erase your expectations and face reality.”
