Want to know what constitutes real relationship poison? This word…
One word is the real poison for a relationship, but you wouldn't even think of it before. It's impossible that a single word can have so much meaning, but as psychotherapist Donald Altman points out in an article on Psychology Today, it's the one that can damage a relationship.
And which word is the real poison for a relationship?
You won't believe it, but that's the word 'have to'. As the author understood from his long-term practice, relationships are often destroyed by expectations of how the other partner should act. To behave. What should I do? What it should be. Like "I should know what I want" or "I should know what I'm thinking." In cognitive-behavioral therapy, "should" is considered a cognitive distortion or error in thinking.
"Should" often makes life difficult, because we start judging others just for the sake of it. And also yourself. It is based on our expectations of how others should function, how they should look, react, etc. to me. In doing so, it prevents us from accepting what we have no control over. Often these beliefs are part of the family system and upbringing, but we can still choose to live differently.
How do we let go of expectations and let go of what we cannot control?
Simply, with the practice of mindfulness. To begin, state the anticipation that excites you. It could be a quality of your partner that gets on your nerves. It can be something that your 3-year-old does and is part of growing up, developing. Or it could simply be something that bothers you about your colleagues. Not relevant.
Decide to let go of your expectations for an afternoon, an hour, or even an entire day. You can always come back to them later if you want.
Choose to accept this expectation. Think of it as your desire instead of a "should".
Ask yourself, "Realistically, what is the worst that can happen in the next five minutes if this expectation is not met?"
Choose a different response. Choose behaviors that allow you to respond in a flexible and adaptive way.
