Sometimes we forget that parenting, like love, is not something that comes naturally.
Book The Danish Way of Parenting by Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Dissing Sandahl, actually offers an answer to the question of what makes Denmark the happiest country in the world, and how Danish parents raise happy, confident and successful children.
"For the Danes, authenticity begins with understanding one's own emotions. If we teach our children to recognize and accept their own authentic emotions, whether good or bad, and to act in accordance with their values, they will not be derailed by life's challenges and obstacles. They will know that they did what they felt was right. They will be able to recognize their own boundaries and respect them. This inner compass, authentic self-esteem based on values, becomes the strongest guide in life and does not bend under external pressures." they say.
Zadnja posodobitev 2024-05-21 / Partnerske povezave / Vir fotografij: Amazon Product Advertising API
Although you should definitely read the book, we highlight six essential tips that will help you find the answer to the question of how they do it!
1. Review your established rules and activities
Your ongoing activities are those actions and reactions you have when you are too tired to think and look for a better way or option. You simply react instinctively, somewhat lazily, in order to quickly come to a solution. Regular activities and rules can also be a result of your upbringing.
Make a list of your behavior and reactions to children when you are in a bad mood and try to find out which of them you like the least so that you can control them next time. It is much easier when you are aware of them.
2. Spontaneous, independent play can make your child less anxious
Mothers often feel guilty because they don't play enough with their children, instead they try to do household chores like an octopus and be available to colleagues at work if they need anything.
Danes apparently value children's spontaneous, independent play much more. They see it as a way to build a child's self-confidence. Allowing children to play freely by themselves or with others teaches them resourcefulness skills—how to handle a situation without mom stepping in to help.
Feeling that they can handle situations independently improves a child's sense of control. So they realize that they can actually do a lot on their own, that they don't need the help of their parents. In this way, they become braver, try harder and their self-confidence grows.
A child who believes that he is in control of his life is less likely to be depressed because he knows that he is in control of some things.
So, don't feel guilty about letting the kids play on their own!
Danes value children's spontaneous, independent play much more.Photo: Freepik
3. Praise the effort, not the solution
Parents in Denmark focus on the work and effort that goes into completing a task rather than the actual end result. Instead of discussing how smart their child is when they pass a test with a perfect score, they will emphasize the focus the child showed to get a good score.
Encouragement directs the child to the right thinking in growth and development: "I don't grow because I got an A, but I grow because I develop skills and work hard." On the other hand, children who believe that the only proof of success is the result will think that intelligence is something they either have or don't have.
So accept that the child will sometimes get frustrated with difficult tasks that require a lot of effort. Never forget to praise him when he completes the task for his persistence.
4. Separate the behavior from the person
Jessica Joelle Alexander says her son had a habit of hiding from people, and she made excuses for him and told everyone how shy he was. Again and again. The child became more and more shy as she identified him with what he was doing. But he was just going through a certain stage in his development.
If she knew then what she knows now, she could define the problem in a positive context with the sentence: "He is currently enjoying the company of famous people."
Parents in Denmark rarely focus on negative situations, but rather on helping the child find a positive solution. Do not label the child with the words that he is shy, clumsy, untalented. Don't even tell them they're bad when they misbehave, but tell them they're good and their behavior isn't.
Parents in Denmark rarely focus on negative situations, but rather on helping the child find a positive solution.Photo: Freepik
5. Teach them how to behave and show emotions to avoid peer pressure
Empathy is hard to learn in a selfish society. Talk to your child about how the cartoon character feels when something bad or good happens. Ask if they have ever felt this way.
Once they understand the different emotions, encourage them to use this knowledge often.
As children get older, you'll be able to explain how their actions can affect others and themselves in certain ways. After all, once they experience these emotions, they rarely allow themselves to be guided by external influences such as drugs, alcohol, the influence of bad society, etc.. They will know that they are the masters of their emotional response.
Tip: When you are happy or sad, let your children see your human side. If you can explain how you feel to them in words they understand. And then let them see how you overcome negative emotions.
6. Divert yourself from problems instead of resorting to blackmail
It is extremely difficult to remain calm when your child continues to do something that you have already told them is wrong. However, this book offers a solution - avoiding problems instead of punishing them.
Jessica Joelle Alexander cites her own example of her four-year-old son constantly arguing with his father over where he could play with a certain toy. The father told him that he should be in his room, but the son wanted to wander around the house. She heard her husband explain to him again the conditions he had set, and her son only said: "No." At that moment, her husband grabbed the toy and started tickling his son, saying that he was better off playing with it in his room. And the conflict is resolved.
Such situations can easily turn into an ultimatum. "Play with this toy in your room or you won't play with it at all." Instead, redirect the problem to humor. The message is still the same, but without the tears and ill will.
Tip: Instead of an ultimatum, suggest a way out of a heated situation. Try to be a calm teacher and keep seriousness and strictness for situations that will really need it.
